I’m having an odd evening. Feeling empty and searching. Feeling disgusting and just wanting to sleep. I dunno what I want or what I need.
I’m so tired of still feeling broken.
I’m still so tired of being this person.
I want to focus on my body again. Try and drop a few pounds. It’s been about a year since I started this tumblr…. Maybe I should try again. I need something to feel good about again.
This has become a place for me to come a bitch. I feel like collapsing every moment of every day lately. Today was no exception. I want to crawl under a rock and not exist for a few days/hours.
Lost a little over a lb. I feel like I should be happy, that I should feel good. But I don’t. A friend told me to just feel how I want to feel. And yeah, it’s not good enough. I know it’s not. I know I didn’t try my best. I know I didn’t even try. Just because I haven’t binged doesn’t mean I was working on bettering myself. I hate the choices I made. I want to feel like I’m being honest with myself, and honestly, I know that 1.8 would have been a good loss if I had applied myself.
Something is wrong with me.
This is me screaming.
I reach a point every day when I am just so sick and tired of being this person.
I can’t sleep. I’m worried about food. About what I’m going to eat. I wish I had someone to guide and help me along. To tell me when I should work out and when I should eat. To encourage me and remind me that this takes time.
I only ever want to go to the gym at 3-4 am. So much shitty stuff. I’m nervous about weighing myself next Sunday. I don’t want to gain anymore weight. I did my detox, I’ve been eating healthy (except for one night). I just hate exercising. I wish I could find an exercise that I love to do… GROWL. Blah.
I hate when I have to change that image to one of embarrassing numbers. I dunno what I’m doing wrong. I didn’t eat terribly. I wasn’t starving myself, but I also wasn’t overeating. I was eating normally. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.
I weighed myself this morning. Gained 3 lbs. Which puts me almost back to where we began children.
I hate this disorder. I hate that I have it. I hate that food makes me happy.
I ate a GOTTA HAVE IT size of Black Cherry Vanilla with chocolate shavings and toasted almonds.
Oh and that kids size cotton candy with gummy bears that the little one wouldn’t eat and I DESPISE ice cream soup.
Well fuck. Tomorrow is a new day.